Oh I haven’t forgotten you lovelies (again). I’ve been quite busy trying to entertain a 6 year old, manage finances in a crumbling economy, still find some time to write so I don’t go screaming down the street in my birthday suit after being driven insane by everything going on around me (don’t worry folks, I plan on grabbing one of my DIY facemasks before leaving for my crazy lady naked run) and now most recently a car that’s decided it just wanted to nope the fuck out while I was driving Tuesday. Isn’t that fucking spectacular.
But no, really, I’m…. not doing so well. Physically I’m doing alright. Mentally, not so much. The stress as this coronavirus situation drags on and on is wearing me down to a point where I just want to throw in the towel. Call it quits. Take a cue from my car and nope the fuck out of this. Take a nice long nap and set an alarm for when September ends.
I haven’t felt like this in… quite a long time. I don’t like it when my mind wanders back to the dark places it used to live in. Unfortunately the longer this drags on, and the more I’m forced to handle everything for everyone all of the time… I’m afraid I’m gonna break.
Used to be I could take off up the street to the library. Or grab a couple dollars, get in the car and get a cheap burger and a coke. Spend some time away from the house, away from my family and just… relax. Recharge. While my son was at school I could take the time to get my house clean. Catch up on chores. Paperwork. Doctor visits. Get the bills sorted. And then when he came home give him my undivided attention.
Now? I’m struggling. Hard. My mom gets tired of dealing with everoyne? No problem! She can just shut her bedroom door and lock it behind her. My husband needs to get a break from the crazy? Sure! He hops outside to the front porch he’s completely taken over so no one else can use it for literally anything. Or he dicks off to the back where he has his OTHER workspace set up and shut and lock the door behind him. Me? I have no refuge. No retreat. As I said, I can’t even go out to my front fucking porch to sit and calm down with some fresh air because it’s filled with trash and junk from my husband’s projects that are too big to fit inside the goddamn house.
I can’t even run off to the library since it’s been closed for the last month and a half. Parks in my area are all closed. Can’t go downtown without being told to move along and stop loitering. I have a desk. A desk in an open common area that I’m constantly having to yell at people to leave it alone. A chair that was bought SPECIFICALLY because I have back problems that continues to be fucked up because no one does the single thing I ask of them – don’t sit in the fucking thing. That’s it. That’s all I ask. Now it’s fucked up and hurts my back every time I sit down. But I can’t go get a new one.
Anyway, I’ve been busy trying not to lose my god damned mind. And i know it’s not going to be getting better any time soon. The only thing I can hope for is that I manage to keep holding it together, somehow, without retreating entirely back to the dark places I’ve fought tooth and nail to drag myself out of over the last 10 years.
Though mowing my grass with my manual mower has helped greatly. I get truly pissed off I just go outside, put in my headphones and tell everyone to fuck off, I’m gonna mow the lawn.