I’ve been rediscovering my love of Power Rangers these last few weeks and trying to decide if my body is fighting with me or not. Some days are better than others, and I can do a bit more than usual. Other days, I have to drag myself out of bed because if I don’t I’d spend all day in it.
My pain these days has made me quicker to anger than usual, in some cases to an extreme that frightens me. I haven’t harmed anyone – but with my particular set of anger issues it can be a possibility. Unfortunately I take after my dad in that respect. Part of why I’m in therapy, and will likely stay in therapy till the day I die. Unlike my dad, I do have a brief few moments before I fly into the Rage where I’m still aware, lucid, and can redirect or leave the room before I cause true harm. The fact that I am this way scares the shit out of me, and I don’t have episodes often but when they happen… holy crap.
Part of good coping skills is changing your “self-talk”. That’s what I’ve been doing the last few weeks, and my therapist has been really helpful and supportive in helping me figure out a good language for me to use for talking myself down and referring to my “episodes”. Part of my problem is that certain terminology I’ve used my whole life is also negatively associated with my dad – specifically our very similar anger and rage issues. Thinks like “seeing red” I’ve switched to “seeing green”. Instead of “raging” I’m “Hulking out”. This removes the mental association I have with my dad which makes me feel even worse than I normally would after an episode. It also reminds me that I’m not, and never will be my father. By using terminology reminiscent of The Hulk, it tells me that there are times when I can’t control my anger, but that I am not always like this. Whereas my dad WAS always like this. He chose not to do anything about his problems, but I choose to work on them and improve them. It’s slow going, but I haven’t had a full Hulking Out since right before I met my husband. So about five years. I had an episode a few weeks ago, and I’ve been dealing with that and developing more coping skills as a result.
Which brings me back to Power Rangers, surprisingly enough. See, as I said before my pain levels have been causing me to be quicker to anger. I’ve got a shorter fuse than normal while I learn to re-adjust around the increased chronic pain and the shifting stresses in my life. So I’ve been re-watching Power Rangers, all the way from the very first ever episode, as part of my cool-down/wind-down time. It’s soothing to me and comforting because it’s something I associate fondly with from my otherwise turbulent childhood. Plus it’s so poorly made, and ridiculous that when I’ve had a harder than normal day, or had an angrier than normal day, it helps pull me out of myself while I ridicule specific plots or monsters in the series. Such as the lead up infamous Peace Conference from MMPR season 2 where they got rid of the original Red, Yellow, and Black Rangers. The body doubles were ridiculous but nowhere near as horrid as the voice double for the Red Ranger. My gods that was… painful to hear.
Anyway, that’s been it. Just me dealing with myself the last few weeks.