Today is Father’s Day.
I used to hate this day. I hated it so much because it reminded me of my own father, or rather as I term him these days, the man who donated his chromosomes. No, I’m not someone who’s mom got artificial insemination. No, I do know who my dad is. Unfortunately, I don’t want to know.
I’ve caught flack from friends and strangers alike in the last 10 years or so about how I should be grateful that I know my dad. That he was in my life no matter how shitty a dad he was. That there’s people out there who never knew their dad, etc. But no matter how much flack I get for it, no matter how much people don’t quite understand why I’m not happy about it, the fact remains that I hated my dad for a very long time, for many reasons, and no one can know the shit I went through due to him. No, this is not me blaming my faults and problems on my father – this is me blaming my father for his own faults and problems, and because he refused to deal with them how they affected my relationship with him. This is me blaming my father for subjecting his wife and children to near homelessness because he refused to apologize for his conduct at his job (sexual harrassing numerous female employees), and for the emotional, physical, and psychological abuse his wife and family suffered by his own hand.
So when I say I hated my father, I mean it. To the point that I had wished he were dead. That i had lied to some people and said I never knew him for one reason or another.
However, some of my rage and hatred towards that man has lessened in the last 2 years. In part to my husband, and my son. This is our second Father’s Day as parents. The second Father’s Day my husband can actually celebrate with one of his children. This time last year, I had decided to start trying to move past my rage and my hate. I will never forgive, I will never forget, everything my father did to me. To my family as I grew up. What I can do, however, is learn to accept that the past has past. That I cannot change it, and that because it shaped me into who I am now, I have the life that I have now. It’s not perfect. But it’s mine, and despite little frustrations in day to day life (like my terrible neighbors) I in fact love my life.
So, for the second year in a row (but the first time here on WordPress) I want to wish everyone who celebrates today a happy Father’s Day. This goes out to all the dads, grandpas, father figures, and even the single moms who are both mom and dad to their kids. Happy Father’s Day, all of you.